Dear You,
Everything now takes extra effort.
The hits keep coming: pandemic, heat wave, fires, drought, and so many people struggling to survive illness and death. A pressing fatigue makes it difficult to muster energy for the next chore, the next day, the next crisis.
I wish for languor, to unwind the mind and heart with thought and pause. Praise is what I first typed, on accident — or maybe purpose — because isn't pause a slow sort of praise?
We are sticking close to home. Each step I take is small and cautious. The pandemic, combined with a general increase in vitriol, has turned me inward even more. Maybe what I'm feeling is age and defeat. While I haven't given up, I do at times feel resigned, and, really, that is an awful sort of sadness.
I left my job at the nursing home. It's a good decision, but one I struggled for months to make. I loved the work and the residents but I have spent nearly my entire career as a self-employed self-starter and it was difficult to change a system that is, in essence, an institution. It’s a tough time to work in healthcare. Yes, I'm sad and heavy hearted. But it was an excellent part of life that stretched and filled me beyond expectation, and I'm grateful for the good long run.
These challenges have offered a new view. All these years, was I hopeful or just naive? I see now that one person may make a difference, but that difference may be small, or short-lived, or too little among the bigger machine of life.
I do wonder if heavyheartedness – surely this is a technical term — is my default setting. I have periods of lifting and short moments of ease, but maybe this is the core of me. I know this street, these turns, I know the route to keep me moving. Even if I never get home, I'll keep driving. And is that such a bad thing — to know your limits, your self?
But enough about me.
What I really want to know is, how is your heart? Is it small and clenched, or full and hopeful? Please, tell me where your mind wanders, how your heart stretches. Like a plant reaching for sun, I want to know what light you find.
With love,
Drew
