New year, new page, new start.
Sure, right, whatever.
Even in a good year — and 2021 was a soul crusher — I’m not a fan of resolutions. The performance of commitment seems, well, a bit much. All that dogged determination wears me out. I don’t ring in the new year as much as let it creep across the floor and hope the draft is warm and the light is soft.
Sometimes I choose a word to guide the way. Remember when everyone was doing that choose-a-word exercise (everyone = poets, writers, bloggers)? One year useful called to me; I mean, really, I was adrift and feeling useless. The more I looked for ways to be of use, the more useful I became (that was a good year). But lately, aside from read, rest and wine, there is no resounding word. Nothing calls me.
Remember when we were urging each other to fail better? That too felt like overreach.
Last night I watched what I thought would be an annoyingly sappy movie — It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (Netflix) — and much to my surprise I cried all the way through. I suspect the tears were stirred not just by the movie but by a wave of emotion that pulled me under because for so long now the world feels both sharp and fragile. My tears were cathartic catch and release. (Today I found the magazine story by Tom Junod that formed the seed of the movie, and I was awed by the writing, and now the movie has moved me even more).
In these endings, and these beginnings, in these days of uncertainty, of sickness and struggle, of unexpected laughter followed by rushing tears, I often feel about to topple. It can be a stinging tone or a car too close. It’s the frozen pipe, the broken furnace, the sour milk, the icy step. All is glass and slick and I’m losing my feet, my head, my heart. This feeling won’t last, I’m sure, but good lord we’ve all been on this road for so damn long.
This year, not a word. Not a list of self-improvements. This poem calls me. The Work of Christmas by Howard Thurman is the work of every day. I’d like to live this poem. Maybe that’s my word — live — and my resolution, too.
* * *
If you like this blog, subscribe here to get it delivered to your email. And please share on your social network of choice or forward to a friend.
The world turns on words, please read & write.